My Guy Code for Autism: The Unwritten Social Rules, Written Down

Most social rules for boys and young men are never taught out loud. They are absorbed, and the people who do not absorb them are treated as if they broke a rule they were told. This free companion writes 131 of those rules down explicitly, in three age bands, with the reason behind each one — because a rule you understand is a rule you can decide about, and a rule you only obey is one you will apply in the wrong place.

Three age bands, because the code changes

What counts as normal at nine is strange at sixteen and a problem at twenty. The 9–12 band covers playground distance, turn-taking, and telling versus tattling. The 13–16 band handles banter, locker rooms, group chats, and the first version of dating. The 17–21 band moves to workplaces, roommates, alcohol-present settings, consent in adult terms, and money between friends. The same rule reappears with different stakes rather than disappearing.

Explicit rules, not vague advice

Each of the 131 rules across 18 domains is written as an if-then: what the situation is, what to do, and — crucially — why. "Stand about an arm’s length away" is useless without "because closer than that reads as a threat or a come-on to most people, and neither is what you meant." The why is what lets a rule be generalised to the situation the app did not anticipate.

Banter, the hardest domain

Insults that mean affection are the single most confusing part of male friendship for many autistic boys. The companion separates the mechanics: who is allowed to say what, what the tone and timing signal, how to tell a friendly jab from actual contempt, how to return one, and what to do when you get it wrong. It also names the situation where banter is cover for bullying, and what that looks like from the inside.

Locker rooms, sports and physical spaces

Changing rooms have an unusually dense and unspoken rule set around eye contact, talk, speed, and noise, and they are where a lot of autistic boys get their worst social injuries. This section is concrete about where to look, how long to take, what is said and not said, and how to prepare sensorially before entering rather than trying to cope once inside.

The red rule: safety outranks loyalty

Boys are heavily taught not to snitch. That teaching is exploited. One rule sits above all the others in this companion and is marked as such: if someone could be seriously hurt, is being coerced, or is in danger, telling an adult is correct regardless of what the group thinks of it. Loyalty is a real value and it does not extend to covering harm.

Masking budget and repair

Following rules costs energy, and following all of them all day is why a young man can be fine at school and unravel at four in the afternoon. The budget tracker makes that cost visible and helps plan where to deliberately unmask safely. A repair log covers the other half: what to say after you got something wrong, how short a real apology is, and why over-apologising makes repair harder rather than easier.

How to use this tool

  1. Pick your age band: 9–12, 13–16 or 17–21.
  2. Set the Neurotype Lens if ADHD, AuDHD or PTSD fits you.
  3. Open the context map and choose the place that is currently hardest — school, sports, friends, home or the wider world.
  4. Read the rules for that room, including the why behind each one.
  5. Run a branching story for the situation you keep getting wrong.
  6. Practise one guided skill: rejection-sensitivity circuit breaker, sensory prep, a repair script or group entry.
  7. Track masking chips for a week to see where your energy is actually going.

Common questions

What are unwritten social rules?
They are the expectations no one states out loud — how close to stand, when a joke is affectionate, how long to hold eye contact, when to leave a conversation. Most people learn them by inference. Autistic people often do not, and are then judged for breaking rules they were never given.
Why write a social-rules guide specifically for autistic boys?
Male peer groups enforce a particular set of rules — banter, physical roughhousing, status hierarchies, locker rooms, not showing distress — with unusually harsh penalties for getting them wrong, and autistic boys are frequently punished socially for differences that are not misbehaviour. Making the rules explicit removes the guesswork without asking anyone to stop being autistic.
Is this teaching autistic boys to mask?
No. It teaches what the rules are and what they cost, then leaves the choice with the user. The masking budget exists precisely because permanent masking causes autistic burnout. Knowing a rule and choosing not to follow it is a very different position from not knowing it existed.
How do I know if someone is joking or being mean?
Look at the pattern rather than one line: does it go both ways, does it stop when you are visibly upset, does it happen in front of people to embarrass you, and would they say it if you were their only audience. The companion walks through those checks with examples of each.
What should I do in a locker room?
Keep it brief and low-key: eyes at head height or on your own things, change efficiently, respond to greetings, do not comment on anyone’s body including your own. Prepare beforehand — noise, smell and time pressure are usually the real problem, not the social rules themselves.
When should I tell an adult instead of staying loyal to friends?
Whenever someone could be seriously hurt, is being pressured into something, or is in danger. That rule outranks every loyalty rule in this companion, and telling in those cases is not snitching.
Does this work for ADHD or traumatised teens too?
Yes. Each rule carries lens-specific notes for ADHD (impulsive interruption, volume, blurting), AuDHD (conflicting drives for novelty and predictability) and PTSD (hypervigilance, fawning, freeze in confrontation), because the same rule needs a different strategy depending on why it is hard.
Is it free and private?
Yes. It is free psychoeducational self-help with no account, and everything you enter stays in your browser on your own device. It is not therapy and does not replace a clinician.

Where this fits

This companion is free psychoeducational self-help. It is not therapy, diagnosis, or crisis care, and it does not replace a licensed clinician. Everything you enter is stored locally in your own browser and is never transmitted to a server.

It lives inside FeelingsHelper Kids & Teens Mode, alongside more than sixty other free companions for autism, ADHD, PTSD, and trauma.

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